Boys can become enmeshed with either or both parents, but more typically become enmeshed with their mother. A boy who has played the role of surrogate companion to his mother feels engulfed, enmeshed, smothered, and intruded upon. His wants and needs have merged with hers and the boy’s identity is lost. Burdened with excessive feelings of guilt and disloyalty regarding their own wishes, these men have lost their sense of self and submerged their most basic needs and wants.
Characteristics of enmeshed sons:
- True self is unable to unfold and goes into hiding and a false, people-pleasing self emerges
- Sensitive and empathetic caretaker role becomes overdeveloped and central to identity
- Rebellious adolescent identity
- Ambivalence in commitments
- Struggle to fully commit to a relationship leaving spouse or partners feeling “second fiddle”
- Having learned to compromise, accommodate or submit to his mother, leading to do the same with others, enmeshed men tend to resent and pull away or attack
- Lack of differentiation between self and others, creating difficulties with internal and external boundaries (Your problems become my problems)
- Choosing romantic partners that don’t represent a threat or challenge to the parent
- Failing to pursue or commit to a workable relationship
- Sexuality is filled with intense conflict and shrouded in danger, taboo, ambivalence, and shame
- Development of a sex addiction as an escape form engulfment, or to discharge pent up anger
- Sexually shut down and avoidant with primary partner as a means of protection
- Compulsively attuned to the feelings and needs of others, or, some men may dismiss and become insensitive to protect self
- Picks friends to take care of, rescue and emotionally and/or financially support
- Overly competitive with men, but has many female friends
- Unable to commit to friends, thereby losing friendships over time
- Choosing a career to please parent
- Not pursuing dreams or overcompensating with work due to feelings of disempowerment
- Overly involved and dependent on family business at a cost to true self
- Pushing their children towards the enmeshing parent to deflect away from their own enmeshment
- Over involvement in their child’s life, repeating the generational enmeshment
If you find yourself identifying with these traits, there is hope. You can break free from enmeshment and still love your parent.