Being enmeshed means you are overinvolved with your parent at a cost to your own needs and relationships. Often times, your parent’s problems feel like they are your own and you may feel obligated to fix them before you can attend to your own life and needs. You may feel responsible for your parent’s happiness, which in turn creates an intense loyalty to your parent over most other commitments. The weight of enmeshment can cause you to feel that no one understands your bind because you are the only one who can help and be there for your parent.
Do you feel guilty too much of the time when dealing with one of your parents?
Guilt is a common feeling when an individual is enmeshed with a parent. The weight of over-caring and responsibility for your parent’s well-being can cost you your own well-being and relationships.
Being enmeshed can feel like:
I feel like I have to always be there for my parent even when it is not good for me
After a conversation with my parent, I often feel guilty
My parent often wants to be closer to me than I want
I cannot stand up to my parent
How does enmeshment affect my relationships?
Being enmeshed with a parent creates an inappropriate loyalty to your parent that was implicitly or explicitly assigned to you as a role because of the loneliness or problems that your parent had. Enmeshment demands extreme emotional closeness at a cost to independence. Strong demands for loyalty are usually accompanied by messages of guilt and prohibitions against outside friends and activities. Time together is maximized and little alone time or separateness is permitted.
Below are some of the ways enmeshment impacts relationships.
I often feel engulfed, smothered, or trapped when I am in relationships
I find it difficult to make decisions and commitments
I look to take care of others in relationships too often
I find it easier to put other’s needs ahead of my own
I have too often put my parent’s needs ahead of my spouse or partner
My parent’s involvement in my life is a source of conflict for my spouse or partner
Can enmeshment with my parent affect my sexuality?
Yes it can, particularly if your role with your parent was to be the surrogate spouse. You may have felt more like your parents’ husband or wife, or even their sexualized boyfriend or girlfriend. Interactions may have (or do) felt “icky”. This can be a form of covert incest.
Below are some ways that your sexuality may have been impacted.
I feel more sexually free when I am using porn or in an affair than in my committed relationship
I have trouble staying loyal to romantic and sexual commitments that I have made
I find it difficult to express much passion sexually in a committed relationship
Is it possible to recover form the affects of enmeshment with a parent?
Yes, it is! There is a clear path of recovery that can help men and women live a passionate life of their own choosing without either submitting to or cutting off their parent entirely.
Below are some suggestions that can help provide the basis for a life of contentment and satisfaction.
Setting boundaries with one’s parent and others,
“Divorcing” oneself from the contractual demands to be loyal to the parent at any cost
Learning to live within commitments of one’s choosing
Being enmeshed means you are overinvolved with your parent at a cost to your own needs and relationships. Often times, your parent’s problems feel like they are your own and you may feel obligated to fix them before you can attend to your own life and needs. You may feel responsible for your parent’s happiness, which in turn creates an intense loyalty to your parent over most other commitments. The weight of enmeshment can cause you to feel that no one understands your bind because you are the only one who can help and be there for your parent.
Being enmeshed with a parent creates an inappropriate loyalty to your parent that was implicitly or explicitly assigned to you as a role because of the loneliness or problems that your parent had. Enmeshment demands extreme emotional closeness at a cost to independence. Strong demands for loyalty are usually accompanied by messages of guilt and prohibitions against outside friends and activities. Time together is maximized and little alone time or separateness is permitted.